WHAT’S THE STRANGEST ROOM
OR BUILDING YOU’VE BEEN IN?

FLIGHT ATTENDANTS’ CREW HUMOR
TO PASSENGERS OVER THE INTERCOM

• “Please be sure to take all your belongings.  If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
• “Thank you so much for flying ***  We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
• “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted..”
• “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
• “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs.  If your are traveling with more than one small child — pick your favorite.”
• “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money more than *** Airlines.”
• “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
• “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses.”
• “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
• “That was quite a hard landing bump.  And I know what y’all are thinking, but I’m here to tell you that it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault.  It was the asphalt!”
•  On a less then perfect landing — “We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
• “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane idea to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of *** Airways.”

~ from my collected emails
circa 2021

2 FABULOUS VEGGIE “SIDEKICKS”

THE BEST SAUTEED MUSHROOMS

“These richly browned mushrooms are the first dish I ever cooked well, while still a teenager in California’s Central Valley.  The key to success is being patient.  You want to avoid stirring them at first so they get deeply caramelized and don’t release a lot of liquid.  Although a lot of cooks look down on button mushrooms, I’m a big fan.  You just have to handle them right.  Don’t rinse them or they’ll take up water; just wipe them with  damp cloth.  These garlicky mushrooms may be the dish I’m asked to make most often.  They’re a terrific side dish for steak, but I also serve them at room temperature as an antipasto.  Once you master the technique, you’ll be making them again and again, too.”  ~ Michael Chiarello

HERE’S HOW TO MAKE THEM
INGREDIENTS:

• 6 TBSP extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 1/2 pounds fresh button mushrooms, halved if large or left whole if small
• 2 TBSP butter
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 TBSP minced garlic
• 1  1/2 tsp minced fresh thyme
• 1 1/2 TBSP fresh lemon juice
• 1/2 cup dry white wine
• 1 TBSP chopped fresh Italian (flat leaf) parsley

NOW:

1. Heat a large skillet over high heat.
2. Add the olive oil.  When the oil is hot, sprinkle in the mushrooms in a single layer.  Don’t Stir!  Let them sizzle until they have caramelized on the bottom, about 2 minutes.  ((If you toss them too soon, they will release their liquid and begin to steam.))
3. When the bottoms are caramelized, toss the mushrooms and continue to cook over high heat for about 5 minutes.
4. Drain the mushrooms in a sieve and discard the excess oil.
5. Return the mushrooms to the skillet and add the butter.
6. Continue to cook, stirring occasionally, until the mushrooms are beautifully browned, 2 to 3 minutes.
7. Season with salt and pepper and add the garlic.
8. Saute until the garlic is lightly browned, about 2 minutes.
9. Add the thyme and lemon juice and cook until the liquid evaporates.
10. Add the wine, reduce the heat slightly, and simmer until the mushrooms are glazed with the sauce.
11. Add the parsley.
12. Transfer to a warmed bowl, and serve immediately.

Serves 4

OVEN-DRIED TOMATOES

“… I use a method developed by NapaStyle culinary director David Shalleck, which produces a half-dried tomato that’s moister than most commercial varieties.  David seasons with Herbes de Provence and packs them in olive oil, and they keep in the refrigerator for at least a month.  I serve them alongside steaks, tuck a few inside a chicken before roasting, or cut them into slivers and add them to a sandwich.”  ~ Michael Chiarello

HERE’S HOW TO MAKE THEM
INGREDIENTS:

• 24 Roma tomatoes, halved lengthwise
• Sea salt and freshly ground pepper
• 6 TBSP extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for storing
• 2 TBSP Herbes de Provence, crushed
• 1 clove garlic minced

NOW:

1. Preheat oven to 250*.
2. Arrange the tomato halves cut-side up and close together on a baking sheet.
3. Season with salt and pepper.
4. In a small bowl,  combine 6 TBSP olive oil with the 2 TBSP Herbes de Provence and minced garlic.
5. Spoon a little over each tomato half, stirring the mixture as you go.
6. Bake until the tomatoes are soft and shriveled but still retain some moisture, 5-8 hours. (Timing will depend on how large, meaty, and juicy the tomatoes are.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely.
8. Arrange in a plastic container, making no more than two layers.
9. Add olive oil to cover completely, then cover tightly and refrigerate.

~ courtesy Michael Chiarello’s
Casual Cooking