ANTIPASTO CHEESE BALL(S), FASCINATING TRIVIA, HUMOR

THE INCREDIBLE TALKING DOG
BY TRACY BECKERMAN

I have a talking dog.

We didn’t know it when we got him, of course.  He didn’t reveal this talent to us right away.

He would vocalize occasionally in dog-speak, but no one really had any idea what he was saying because he spoke in his language, and we spoke in ours, and there was no Rosetta Stone program for either of us.

But then one morning I came down the stairs, as I always do, and I said:

“Hello, Bowie!”

Bowie greeted me with some howling, as he always does, but this time, he said something very clear and easy to understand.

“Hello,” said the dog.

I stopped mid-step.

“What?”

“Hello,” said the dog.

“Joel, come here!” I yelled back toward the bedroom.  “The dog is talking.”

“What are you talking about?’ he said, sleepily.

“Watch this,” I said.  I looked down at the dog, wagging his tail at the bottom of the staircase.

“Hello, Bowie,” I greeted him.

“Hello,” said the dog.  To be honest, it was actually more like, “Huhro,” but it sounded close enough under the circumstances were certainly right for a wholehearted hello.

This would be a good time to acknowledge that Bowie is a golden retriever, and golden retrievers are not generally known for their vocal techniques.  Huskies and malamutes tend to be the big talkers and will often congregate around water coolers to discuss the latest show on Netflix.

But golden retrievers generally prefer to keep their opinions to themselves and refrain from any gossip or innuendo.
Thier motto is, “Speak softly and carry a big stick … or frisbee or tennis ball.”

We went downstairs and the dog greeted us in a more traditional dog way by bringing us a toy, wagging his tail and generally just acting as though he were happy to see us, unlike our actual children who had typically greeted us in the morning with a grunt and a sneer.

“Does he say anything else?”  my husband wondered aloud.

“I don’t know,” I said.  “I haven’t asked him.”

We let the dog out, even though he hadn’t said, “I need to go out,” and then when he came back in, I turned to him and said, “Do you want your breakfast?”

He sat and looked at me quite seriously.  Then he spoke.

“Hello,” replied the dog.

“Looks like a one-trick pony,” said my husband.

“Don’t pressure him,” I said.  “He’ll lose confidence.”

I decided to give up on the talking dog lessons and walked across the floor to get the dog his food.

But as I walked, I failed to notice that it was raining outside and the dog had left a big puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.

I hit the puddle with my foot, lost my balance, skidded across the floor and fell flat on my butt.

The dog watched this, then let out a series of guffaws that could only be interpreted as laughter.

“Well, he may only be able to say hello,” said my husband.  “But at least he’s got a sense of humor.”

~ Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, “Barking at the Moon:  A Story of Life, Love and Kibble.”
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